Some thirty years ago, in the February of 1984, I
boarded my first plane, a B737, to travel from Kolkata to Delhi.
It was a landmark event in my life. Air travel was a big thing back in those
days, with only the upper echelons of government and corporations being
privileged enough to avail of it. And the heroes and villains of Bollywood and
Hollywood. The more vile the villain, the more gleaming his aircraft.
Most companies in the regular course of events, provided
train fares for business travel, with the junior officers travelling first
class and the rest, three-tier sleeper, second class. Very seldom would one
find normal working class people like me, boarding a flight.
As the plane started accelerating on the patchwork
of a runway at the then Calcutta airport for take-off, I still remember hearing funny sounds emanating from the rear
of the craft, like pots and pans falling down in a distant kitchen… and then we
took off on screaming engines, leaving the pots and pans behind.
Little did I realize then that I would be spending
a large part of my work life rushing about in the skies in pressurized metal
tubes, looking down upon things and picking up geographic details about this
planet till I became a repository of useless bits of information.
There was only one domestic carrier back then, and
they called the shots. The food was nothing to write home about – in fact it
sometimes caused widespread flatulence to the discomfort of every other
passenger on the flight. The air hostesses were by and large gracious, only the
aircraft were always somewhat dated.
A few years later I made my first “phoren” trip –
to the US and that was my second flight. All those stories they said about
drinks and movies being available for free on international flights, were lies
– on one airline I had to pay for the beer, while they charged me a dollar to
watch a movie on the other one. I
noticed people curling up their feet under them on the trans-Pacific flight and
thought, “how boorish and uncultured these people are…” I sat like the perfect
gentleman in my seat, although I had taken off my shoes. Some fourteen hours
later when we were about to land, my shoes had grown visibly smaller and I
could barely walk – I remember hobbling out of the plane with swollen feet…..
Those were the days of “smoking flights”; smokers
were generally located in the rear cabin. Good food, a good drink or two and
then a good smoke – air travel was wonderful, although the rear cabin became
messy after a while.
And then came the first of the many fuel crises….
And all these airline companies started to economize. This economic drive
started taking many forms. The first was the smoking ban. Then aircraft wings gave
birth to winglets. And then over the years many other measures followed.
In the middle of all these happenings, the Indian
Government, true to its style of swimming against the current or being completely
oblivious of it, decided to “open up the skies” – and the Indian passenger was
suddenly swamped with a bouquet of airlines on the domestic circuit. With
air-hostesses wearing skirts. A far cry from the demurely-clad ladies of the
original domestic carrier. I have the
distinct impression that it was those skirts that drew the crowds away from the
grand old airline, initially.
As if that was not enough, the food on these
private airlines was simply superb. But competition began to heat up. Then one
of these private airlines started serving free alcohol on domestic flights.
Finally !!! Heaven had come to India !!!
One got to see staid gentlemen in suits and ties
being physically carried out of the aircraft at nine in the morning – after a
two-hour flight through Heaven on six pegs.
Needless to say, something had to snap. Something
did. The grand old airline went running to Mommy, crying, and racking up more
losses than ever. Mommy cracked the whip and issued a diktat – NO ALCOHOL ON
DOMESTIC FLIGHTS. That was it. Heaven had a blip. And adult Indians were
admonished like school kids and told “not to do things”. And that airline went
belly up. Economics, they say.
By and by came a new set of aircraft with
“fly-by-wire” technology – whatever that meant. The first one crashed, killing
all aboard. Then no one wanted to fly
those planes, until…. until there was a hefty salary increase for the pilots –
which automatically dispelled all fears.
Then everyone started flying the new machines and
no one wanted to fly the old B737s because they were now “old and unsafe”, but which
were till then, the bulk of the fleet. In sheer desperation the government
recruited retired pilots from the Indian Air Force to fly these oldies. These magnificent
men – highly trained as they were - had honed their flying skills on supersonic
fighters. It was like asking F1 drivers to drive vintage taxis along pot-holed
roads.
The ancient B737s with the new pilots took off at a
forty-five degree angle, with engines screaming, sucking the breath out of the
passengers…. And they touched down with a series of thuds that left one
wondering if one had actually landed or been shot down.
I had accumulated so many points on domestic trips
during this period that I took my entire family on a vacation using my frequent
flyer points. I should not have done it – I realized later. The grand old
airline got merged with the national carrier right afterwards. And both have
been lying belly up side by side since then.
Meanwhile the economic drive kept making its
presence felt in bits and pieces…. Frequent flyer programs got modified over
the years – benefits are now available only on the web-site. I have held gold
and silver cards on many of these airlines – a lounge facility and some extra
kilos of luggage are the only visible perks. And of course, a set of flashy
baggage tags that I can show off to my neighborhood barber. Period.
Not to mention the fact that we now have to print
our own tickets. Gone are the days of those nice little booklets, with
tear-away slips for each leg of a journey. I am sure the airlines have saved a
fortune on these paper tickets over the years.
***
Back in 2001, I happened to take a domestic flight
in the US – a two-hour trip from Portland, Oregon, to San Francisco late one
evening. Rushed to the airport from a meeting, with no food for about seven
hours and I was famished. For one used to domestic flights with snacks and food
in India, I thought I would get something to eat on the flight. There was only
one air hostess who said she could serve me only beer and pretzels – and the
beer would cost a dollar.
“What about me buying some food ?”
“Sorry Sir, there is no food on board. I can give
you two packets of pretzels, if you wish.”
The beer did help a bit, but it was another three
hours from then that I was able to eat something. Rude awakening – that. And
then I realized that most domestic flights in the US were similar – highly economic. They saved on the food, they saved on fuel by
not carrying food, and the pretzel makers made a killing. The only time I had
an onboard meal in the US was on the five –hour flight from LA to NY.
Here in India, the US malaise started spreading within
a few years – “budget airlines” were introduced. Everything – including the
passenger’s dignity, is on a short fuse. Leg space is at a premium on these
flights – I guess they put in a few
extra rows. A shortie like me finds the knees brushing against the seat in
front – and I can only pity the longer specimens of our species !! At least
they sell food separately like street vendors (or should we call them “aisle
vendors” ?), and that is a relief.
The Government, of course, does not see them as
“budget carriers” – I once bought a one-rupee ticket on one of these budget
flights and paid some two thousand rupees in taxes.
Things have started changing on the regular,
“full-fare” international flights too…. (The
drama starts at the airport these days, where it makes perfectly good sense to
walk in naked and then dress up after the security check.)
The economy class seats feel distinctly smaller, or
perhaps I have grown fatter over the years, and the “personal TV screens” are
but six inches from your face if the fellow in front pushes the seat back. Enough
to give one a healthy squint. But they still pack those seats with useless
items – a pillow, a blanket, head-phones, and sometimes a newspaper – where
should one sit ? And keep all that stuff ?
Ever travelled on those turbo-prop aircraft in
these highly economic times ? I once did, from Kolkata to Dhaka. The plane was
kind of hanging in mid-air while a flock of geese over took us in mid-flight. I
am sure they reached Dhaka long before we did. Or one of those ancient Tupolev
aircraft ? The toilet has a big window and no lights. Kind of shocks you till
you realize there cannot be anyone peeping through that window at fifteen
thousand feet to watch you do it.
Once upon a time the onboard food on the
international flights was filling. Then economic drives made it adequate – the
number of dishes or courses went down. Then as oil prices spiraled, the
quantities too started to dwindle. Of late I have noticed that they serve just
enough to keep one from feeling hungry for the duration of the flight. You can
hear you stomach growling upon touchdown. Amazes me how they figured that out.
Just a few years ago the food trays were larger
than the pull-down tables. Then they were changed to fit in just right. Now the
trays are smaller than those tables. That was also the time when the tray was full of
food items and the cutlery was placed over the tray. Now the cutlery, by and
large plastic, fits in the tray among the different bowls and there is space
for something more. Having a meal with plastic cutlery in those cramped
confines is also a challenge. One needs to hold the fork or spoon parallel to
the wrist, pointing to elbow, to eat. Try it out, you fortunate ones, who do
not travel too much…. An elephant, stuffing hay in its mouth would look more
elegant.
The salad once had three or four olives in it. Now
there is only one, and that too, in three slices. I am sure some Consultant
found out that if you saved two or three olives per tray per flight, then over
a life time, you could save a billion dollars, and of course, some olive
gardens !!! A part of the green initiative, I suppose…. Reducing the “carbon
footprint” and effects of “global warming”..blah, blah and blah….
I am sure all of you remember time when the drinks
trolley had only alcoholic beverages and there was a “drinks round” followed by
food. Now that trolley carries three or four bottles of different kinds of
alcohol crouching carefully behind row upon row of canned fruit juice or
sparkling water. And the drinks are served WITH the food. The wine glasses have
vanished from the economy class. The whisky tumblers have grown smaller over
time – the last one I had just the other month was the size of a three-rupee
tea cup on the streets of Kolkata. Single malt has all but retired to the business
and first classes. The supposedly Scotch whisky I had on flight a couple of
months ago, tasted like “Phosphomin” – that green solution a doctor once gave
me as a kid. (My parents had to literally fight it out to give me a dose – but
that is another story).
I made the mistake of asking for a salad dressing
on one of the recent trips. The air hostess raised her eyebrows, smiled and
said, “Sir, this is economy class !!!” As if I did not know.
Tickets and olives gone, serving less alcohol than
a thermometer, food that would keep a Barbie doll hungry, and these airlines
still say they do not make money. Devastating economics, I must say…
No wonder Bollywood and Hollywood heroes and
villains have taken to luxury yachts these days.
