Like a host of
middle-class families across this vast land of farmers, politicians and
scandals – both financial and otherwise, including ones involving fly ash and
the humble broom – and of course,
industries, we own an internet connection.
It was really
as an afterthought that we took one a few years ago – more to address the needs
of our kids’ high school projects of the time, rather than anything else. Over
time, this internet thingy began to spread in our lives like molten cheese on
pizza in an oven. Staring at the computer screen graduated from a need, to a
diversion to while away idle time, and then to an obsession where that activity
of sitting at the computer table has begun to contribute to body weight and
blood sugar. And we hardly have time to watch television; its 99+ channels and
24x7 programs notwithstanding.
A young genius,
figured out a way to make money out of people’s idle time, and what a discovery
it has been !!! He is now a
billionaire !! Most importantly, if a fraction of that idle time was
used productively, then the global GDP would have doubled or trebled before you
could say “GDP”…. But alas, it merely wobbles and trembles with numbers that
actually make no sense – either to the economists who crunch them, or to us.
Life has developed a whole new meaning with
the internet ramblings. The spread of SARS, Ebola and their partner viruses are
like perfume puffs in comparison to the spread of selfies or “like-i-titis” or
the “plus-one-itis” in the virtual world. Ancient Greeks had only one
Narcissus. We have them in shiploads.
Amidst all
these floating viruses, our internet access broke down – suddenly. It was not
one of those wholesome, fit-for-family-type breakdowns, that typically occur on
Fridays, where the ADSL phone line goes dead for the weekend because a crow
happened to polish its beak on an exposed wire joint, or the wire-junction box
fell off its precarious perch on a lamp-post - the weight of a sparrow being the
proverbial last straw for the rusted bolt. Neither was it the kind of fault
where the world-wide-web becomes the world-wide-wait for minutes on end while
the browser goes around in circles.
This one
happened in broad daylight in mid-week, right in the middle of a
skype-teleconference across three countries, with the ADSL light on the modem
going off and staying off. I logged a call immediately, then after about an
hour, went down to the local telephone exchange to complain a second time. They
called back in three hours to say that they were shifting us to a new network –
a new DSLAM – for enabling better service.
For the
uninitiated, a DSLAM is a set of trays with blinking lights, and large fat
cables coming out of it in all directions like an octopus with genetic
disorder. It alone determines whether you are on the Net with a bunch of
followers, or slammed into oblivion. Forever. Hence the name.
They did not have the courtesy to inform us beforehand
of this major operation – almost a heart surgery in telecom terms – and were
unable provide a time line for completing the exercise. Disaster ! Chaos !! We
realized once again, after a long, long time, how heavy time is, especially when
it hangs on your hand. Almost unbearable.
That evening, we had nothing else to do other than
watch television. Like many couples across the world, in a decades-long
marriage, we have over time, developed a healthy loathing not only for each other’s
favorite television programs, but the favorite channels as well. And were now
forced to watch TV. Together. There were
ads and ads and ads, with small breaks in between, for a film.
I, true to my genetic code, wanted to flip channels, while she true to
hers, wanted to watch the ads – soap, shampoo, cereal and all, with portions of
film in between. What was worse was that we needed to converse !!! The art of conversation, we realized, had forsaken us a long time ago when kids and
television entered our home. Now, it was not just lost art, it was a serious
archeological challenge.
Those three hours can be described as a spate of
nightmares as we watched ad after ad on channel after channel only to return to
the film in which “tors” and “tresses” simply talked and walked about this room
and that like addle-pated mannequins. (I
mean I would have called them actors... If they could act, that is.) Dinner was
taken in merciful silence, a silence that reigned till next morning. The pent
up like-it’s and plus-one’s were taking their toll.
The exchange called up at around mid-day to say
that their job was done and we could get cracking once again on the Net. And lo
behold !! We had only half the access….. that is to say, some sites were
accessible while the vast majority was not. I rushed back to the Exchange to
complain once again. They provided alternate DNS addresses. Same result.
Contacted them again. They said “tomorrow”.
Yet again, we
were forced to watch television. TOGETHER !!! And converse. The strain was
beginning to tell. We took turns at
rushing off to a cyber café to relieve ourselves.
On day three,
a fellow arrived from the exchange to check. He said they had never encountered
this kind of problem before. I said, “ditto”. He plugged in his modem and
connected to the internet straightaway, then told me that he would send a
replacement modem on Monday. That meant we would have to spend an entire
weekend internet-less, save those couple of sites that were accessible. Wow !!!
The forehead
wrinkled, the brow creased… the lips snarled, conversation was more like
machine-gun fire, staccato included. Luckily for them, the couple of visitors
who had planned to drop in during the weekend, called it off at the last
moment.
More TV, more
ads, more machine-gun fire. With staccato. In desperation I called up my
hardware supplier and asked him to replace everything – the modem, the router,
the works. He too said, “Monday
evening”.
On the great
Monday, this fellow from the exchange turned up around lunch-time with a re-conditioned
modem. He plugged it in. The problem did not go away. I asked him to go away.
That evening,
my hardware vendor arrived with an integrated modem and router. After
conducting some tests to satisfy himself that the equipment really needed replacement,
he did it. Within fifteen minutes, our internet access was back on again, in
full regalia. The router was the culprit – busy doing a bit of the job and
ignoring the important and functional piece. Pretty much like a government
employee in these parts. I packed it in
a plastic bag and sent it off with him. Relief at last !!!
The smiles are
back, sans conversation, of course. We
are still catching up on five, almost six, lost days’ worth of like-it’s and
plus-one’s.
Our marriage has survived this cataclysm.
