The
first time I went to a driving school, some thirty years ago, the “Masterji” –
a toothless, old geezer with a white handle-bar moustache welcomed me with
these words, “Horn bajana sikho”, (Learn
to blow the horn)… That was even before I had inserted the key into the
ignition switch for the first time.
And
then the lessons continued in an ancient Ambassador car with no side view
mirrors, barely visible dashboard dials, blistering hot air flowing on to my
feet from the engine compartment, and a gear-stick in the throes of permanent
orgasm. I had to literally shoot my hand out to catch the gear-stick in
mid-motion to use it.
Turning
right meant I would have to stick my hand outside the window pointing to the
right; turning left meant I would have to stick my hand out again and make
large circles like a flailing duck in mid-air; stopping meant I would have to
raise my right hand up towards the sky outside the window for all to see. And
honk.
The
reason ? Cars are not supposed to have side blinking lights or brake lights –
they drain the battery. Honking takes care of all that jazz. Horns run on Cosmic Energy.
“Blow
the horn even before you start moving”, was the command of Masterji.
I
kept failing his little tests throughout the course because I was required to
grapple with an orgasmic gear stick and an arthritic steering wheel, blow the horn,
and flail my right arm wildly outside the window for every act of
self-preservation. And, Man – I only have two arms.
Just
when I thought that driving was not for me, after having failed to wave for the
umpteenth time and bit my tongue in the process, Masterji said I was qualified
to appear for the driving test.
And
what a test it was !!! I was at the wheel of a relatively new Ambassador car, where
the gear stick merely shivered at the thought of the vibrating engine, with
seven other blokes, all examinees. The
Police Sergeant, standing at a safe distance, with Masterji in tow, yelled,
“Move forward”.
“H-O-N-K”
– I let out a lusty blast, moved into first gear and had barely moved a couple
of inches when he yelled me to stop.
“H-O-N-K” – I let out another lusty blast,
raised my right hand outside the window and kicked the brake pedal. Forgot to
use the clutch and the gear stick – the engine gurgled, sputtered, and stopped
with a lurch. The fellow in the seat behind me banged his head against mine.
Masterji
walked towards me – his smile was unnerving. “You passed – with highest marks”,
was his happy remark.
“Highest
? I was the first examinee….”
“Never
mind… go home now, and meet me in two weeks’ time to collect your licence”.
”WOW
!!!
***
In
a career spanning a few decades, Masterji, and
thousands of his ilk, have trained millions of drivers like me. The
first and last lessons being, “Horn bajao”. (Blow
the horn..)
And
driving tests being what they are, one can very well imagine the quality of
drivers on Indian roads. Which brings us once again to the question, “Why is
there so much of honking in India ?”
Observing
people, discussing with people, and inferring from conversations, and ignoring
the permanent chaos on the roads, I have come to these deductions :
·
Honking
before starting to move – Masterji effect
·
Honking
while stopping – Masterji effect
·
“Beep……
Beep…… Beep” at precisely twenty-two second intervals on a perfectly empty road
in broad daylight – the nervous twitch of the thumb – Masterji halo effect
·
“Beep……
Beep…… Beep” at precisely twenty-two second intervals on a perfectly empty road
at night means, “be careful, I have only one headlight on to save battery, but
I am driving a four-wheeler”.
·
“Beeep…
Beeeeeep” – a literal blast – means “what is wrong with you ? Hell, I AM
driving, and you better get out of the way before I hit you”… (Which I jolly well can, because Masterji
taught me to do so many things before the car can be stopped…)
·
A
furious “Beeeeeeeep” while driving at medium speed is used to get the casual
stray dog, cat, cattle, hens, ducks, pot-hole or man-hole out of the way.
·
“Bepeep..
Beep… Bepeep…. Beep….Bepeep…. Beep” means “I am in a tearing hurry, but not
driving with headlights on, as those would drain the battery….” – applies to
ambulances with no siren, and police cars with a big boss inside…
·
Random
beeps while all vehicles are moving at uniform speed mean “I have my side view
mirrors closed to avoid damage, and am blind to certain things”.... There are
many cars in India even today, that come without side-view mirrors, and people
buy them because so many mirrors are not needed for a “good” driver - Masterji
halo effect again.
·
“Be..pe..pe..pe…pe..pe..pe..
Be..pe..pe..pe…pe..pe..pe.. Be..pe..pe..pe…pe..pe..pe…” – applies to buses
where the driver wants to tell the passengers that the road ahead is chock full
of cars, so that he can drive really slow to pick up as many passengers as he
can….
·
And
then of course, there are the two wheelers, who have more decibels than speed,
and use the horn as a sort of aural weapon – “Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep” – to
clear the path ahead or scoot in between two stationary cars, only to knock
back any side-view mirror that happens to stray into their path….
It
requires an exemplary moron to put up speed limit sign boards side-by-side with
three different speeds, for three different kinds of vehicles running on the
same, lane-less carriageway. We have
them – in Kolkata, and many other cities as well. Naturally, honking is the
only way forward.
Railway
locomotives in India are equipped with what is known as “cattle-chaser” horns….
A single blast can render one tone-deaf for weeks, allowing one to appreciate the
melody of rap music.
They
say there is a first time for everything in life…. The other day I was being
taken from the airport terminal at Kolkata to an aircraft, in a bus, across the
almost empty tarmac. The driver honked thrice…. First, as we started to move
away, then when he spotted the plane, and finally, as we stopped.
I
had, till then, never heard airport vehicles honk, even in India…. (I seriously suspect airplanes in India have
horns too…. though I am yet to hear one).
***
