When the Internet broke down…

Like a host of middle-class families across this vast land of farmers, politicians and scandals – both financial and otherwise, including ones involving fly ash and the humble broom  – and of course, industries, we own an internet connection.

It was really as an afterthought that we took one a few years ago – more to address the needs of our kids’ high school projects of the time, rather than anything else. Over time, this internet thingy began to spread in our lives like molten cheese on pizza in an oven. Staring at the computer screen graduated from a need, to a diversion to while away idle time, and then to an obsession where that activity of sitting at the computer table has begun to contribute to body weight and blood sugar. And we hardly have time to watch television; its 99+ channels and 24x7 programs notwithstanding.

A young genius, figured out a way to make money out of people’s idle time, and what a discovery it has been !!! He is now a billionaire !! Most importantly, if a fraction of that idle time was used productively, then the global GDP would have doubled or trebled before you could say “GDP”…. But alas, it merely wobbles and trembles with numbers that actually make no sense – either to the economists who crunch them, or to us.

Life has developed a whole new meaning with the internet ramblings. The spread of SARS, Ebola and their partner viruses are like perfume puffs in comparison to the spread of selfies or “like-i-titis” or the “plus-one-itis” in the virtual world. Ancient Greeks had only one Narcissus. We have them in shiploads.

Amidst all these floating viruses, our internet access broke down – suddenly. It was not one of those wholesome, fit-for-family-type breakdowns, that typically occur on Fridays, where the ADSL phone line goes dead for the weekend because a crow happened to polish its beak on an exposed wire joint, or the wire-junction box fell off its precarious perch on a lamp-post - the weight of a sparrow being the proverbial last straw for the rusted bolt. Neither was it the kind of fault where the world-wide-web becomes the world-wide-wait for minutes on end while the browser goes around in circles.

This one happened in broad daylight in mid-week, right in the middle of a skype-teleconference across three countries, with the ADSL light on the modem going off and staying off. I logged a call immediately, then after about an hour, went down to the local telephone exchange to complain a second time. They called back in three hours to say that they were shifting us to a new network – a new DSLAM – for enabling better service.

For the uninitiated, a DSLAM is a set of trays with blinking lights, and large fat cables coming out of it in all directions like an octopus with genetic disorder. It alone determines whether you are on the Net with a bunch of followers, or slammed into oblivion. Forever. Hence the name.

They did not have the courtesy to inform us beforehand of this major operation – almost a heart surgery in telecom terms – and were unable provide a time line for completing the exercise. Disaster ! Chaos !! We realized once again, after a long, long time, how heavy time is, especially when it hangs on your hand. Almost unbearable.

That evening, we had nothing else to do other than watch television. Like many couples across the world, in a decades-long marriage, we have over time, developed a healthy loathing not only for each other’s favorite television programs, but the favorite channels as well. And were now forced to watch TV. Together.  There were ads and ads and ads, with small breaks in between, for a film.

I, true to my genetic code,  wanted to flip channels, while she true to hers, wanted to watch the ads – soap, shampoo, cereal and all, with portions of film in between. What was worse was that we needed to converse !!!  The art of conversation, we realized,  had forsaken us a long time ago when kids and television entered our home. Now, it was not just lost art, it was a serious archeological challenge.

Those three hours can be described as a spate of nightmares as we watched ad after ad on channel after channel only to return to the film in which “tors” and “tresses” simply talked and walked about this room and that like addle-pated mannequins.  (I mean I would have called them actors... If they could act, that is.) Dinner was taken in merciful silence, a silence that reigned till next morning. The pent up like-it’s and plus-one’s were taking their toll.

The exchange called up at around mid-day to say that their job was done and we could get cracking once again on the Net. And lo behold !! We had only half the access….. that is to say, some sites were accessible while the vast majority was not. I rushed back to the Exchange to complain once again. They provided alternate DNS addresses. Same result. Contacted them again. They said “tomorrow”.

Yet again, we were forced to watch television. TOGETHER !!! And converse. The strain was beginning to tell.  We took turns at rushing off to a cyber café to relieve ourselves.

On day three, a fellow arrived from the exchange to check. He said they had never encountered this kind of problem before. I said, “ditto”. He plugged in his modem and connected to the internet straightaway, then told me that he would send a replacement modem on Monday. That meant we would have to spend an entire weekend internet-less, save those couple of sites that were accessible. Wow !!!

The forehead wrinkled, the brow creased… the lips snarled, conversation was more like machine-gun fire, staccato included. Luckily for them, the couple of visitors who had planned to drop in during the weekend, called it off at the last moment.

More TV, more ads, more machine-gun fire. With staccato. In desperation I called up my hardware supplier and asked him to replace everything – the modem, the router, the works.  He too said, “Monday evening”.

On the great Monday, this fellow from the exchange turned up around lunch-time with a re-conditioned modem. He plugged it in. The problem did not go away. I asked him to go away.

That evening, my hardware vendor arrived with an integrated modem and router. After conducting some tests to satisfy himself that the equipment really needed replacement, he did it. Within fifteen minutes, our internet access was back on again, in full regalia. The router was the culprit – busy doing a bit of the job and ignoring the important and functional piece. Pretty much like a government employee in these parts.  I packed it in a plastic bag and sent it off with him. Relief at last !!!

The smiles are back, sans conversation, of course.  We are still catching up on five, almost six, lost days’ worth of like-it’s and plus-one’s.

Our marriage has survived this cataclysm.